Who'd have thought it? - Mike Clarke, a story in my own words

Mike Clarke telling his story in his own words

Discharged from the psychiatric hospital, anxiety raging like never before, recovering from a second nervous breakdown, and on my way home.

This was me in the summer of 2003, probably at my lowest ebb - Shaw Trust, learning about computers, writing articles, helping out with other students?  No not me, impossible.  Not in my wildest dreams.  More likely to amble through life waiting for the next breakdown to happen!

 How things can change.

 On my psychiatrists advice I applied to help out at the local office of "Mind".  As Doc said, something constructive was needed for me to stimulate the grey matter instead of using drop-in centres to occupy myself, which although helpful were not the best way forward for me.

 After the initial few weeks at Mind, when I was so nervous I was frightened of my own shadow, I settled down to actually enjoy going, making new friends and although the office-based work was completely alien to me, I began to think that I was doing something useful and helpful.

 People were actually having faith in me and giving me relatively responsible jobs to do. Also a little confidence was coming back, which takes a heck of a battering after a breakdown. I was also starting to deal a little with my social phobia by mixing with other people who had similar problems to my own.

 Some months passed and I became aware of Shaw Trust and what they were about and decided to give them a go.

 At my initial interview with Ann Marie Leather in the Trust's St Helens office, I was made to feel very welcome and felt that here was an organisation that genuinely wanted to help me.  After several promises and knock-backs over the years during my illness I couldn't help being sceptical of anything new.

 Perhaps at this point I should apologise to all the people at Shaw Trust for ever doubting you!

 Ann Marie suggested learning computer skills. My immediate reaction was to dismiss it as it was something I had considered going to college for but felt sure that I would not be able to take it in and get left behind.  I also convinced myself that I would not be able to cope with the college environment.

 I was assured that my tutor, Lindsay Rawlinson , was able to teach me on a one-to-one basis and I could take whatever amount of time it took for me to learn.

 My two teenage daughters had been brought up with computers and I had from time to time felt a little envious of them and this offer being put in front of me sounded almost too good to be true. I felt I had to give it a go for their sake even though my pessimistic outlook made me think that I probably wouldn't be able to take it on board.

 The first few weeks of training were better than I imagined but I was still very nervous and one of the things I remember only too well was my hand shaking considerably while trying to control the "mouse".

 Lindsay, was very patient and understanding from the word go, going out of her way to be helpful and I'm still convinced that those early weeks of training in I.T. at Shaw Trust enabled me to stick with it and eventually convince myself I was capable of learning something completely new.

 As the weeks passed and I learned more and more, a creative side began to emerge.  I began producing posters and was approached by several people to make particular designs.  Not only was I now learning but actually really enjoying what I was doing!

 Creative writing also transpired to be within my reach and I was soon approached by Patricia, the manager at my voluntary job, and asked if I would consider running a newsletter for St. Helens Mind!

 This gave a further boost to my confidence and self-esteem and it took quite some time for the idea and thought of me "editing" a publication to sink in and also the very thought of someone having this amount of confidence in me to be able to do the job.

 After some weeks I passed the entry level I.T. qualification and considered this to be quite an achievement, a big step for me.  My work with St. Helens Mind has benefited enormously and to date I have produced two quarterly newsletters.

 My training at Shaw Trust continues and I have come further than I ever dreamed of. I am now working my way through a CLAIT qualification and hope to progress to the next stages. I'm still getting wonderful support from all the lovely staff here in St Helens and I really look forward to each session.

 My confidence is growing, I feel better about myself and was even asked if I felt up to a bit of voluntary work with Shaw Trust, mentoring students who have learning difficulties. 

Initially I was shocked and pleasantly surprised and not sure if I could do it, but I was encouraged to at least give it a try. Much to my surprise and pleasure I succeeded with it and have managed quite a few mentoring sessions since. I feel proud of myself for being able to help someone else.

 When I look back at what I've achieved in the past months, I have to pinch myself.    It takes a bit of believing - who'd have thought it?